Musings, Nits, and Praises: Health Alert

Musings, Nits, and Praises

A farrago of all things deemed blog-worthy by a music-loving, poetry-writing, humor-seeking English teacher


Health Alert

An alarmingly deleterious disease has gone unchecked, resulting in a disease that has reached epidemic proportions and threatens to kill the English language. As a grammar physician, I urge you to be on guard against Liketourret’s Syndrome (LS).

The highly contagious virus is communicated via conversation. Once it enters the body, it targets Broca’s Area in the left hemisphere of the brain, where it feeds on the language processing area and contaminates the individual’s vocabulary, rendering his or her speech positively annoying. The disease predominately affects teenage females although there is an alarming increase of cases in both genders under the age of forty.

A simple self-examination will alert you to the presence of the disease in your system. Read the following dialogue:
“So, like was your dad mad when you told him you had like totaled his car?”
“Oh, for serious! He was like, “A toddler could have driven better than you!”
If this sounds similar to conversations you have, then you have contracted LS.

Now, you may be questioning the significance of the disease. How harmful is the word "like"? The word possesses several meanings and can contribute effectively to a sentence when it’s used properly. In cases of LS, however, "like" wreaks havoc. Imagine if Shakespeare, crafting the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet, was struck with the disease:

"Like what’s in a name? A rose by any other name would like smell as sweet you know."

If Abraham Lincoln had suffered from LS, historians would assign “The Gettysburg Address” to the annals of atrocious presidential speeches:

"Four score and like seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this like continent, you know, a new nation, conceived in Liberty and stuff, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are like created equal."

President Bush would be a juggernaut of elocution in comparison.

Although you may not endeavor to become president or a famous playwright, LS could impact your future. For example, like-infested speech in an interview for a much-coveted job isn’t likely to prompt an employer to hire you (unless it’s in the hopes that you get so excited you can’t speak).

Luckily, treatment options exist. One of the most common forms of treatment is peer intervention. When you suffer an LS episode, peers chide you: “You sound so stupid! You’re killing the English language!” If your friends’ berating lacks vigor, contact me. I'm a trained professional.

If peer intervention fails, you must resort to the most radical form of treatment: stop talking. Garrulous carriers of LS often express bewilderment at the apparent harshness of this treatment: “So, like I’m not allowed to like talk and stuff?”

Exactly.

So if you suspect you may have contracted Liketourret’s, do yourself, your peers, and the English language a favor and consult a grammar physician. Your linguistic health is like worth it.

1 Responses to “Health Alert”

  1. # Blogger Chad Gardner

    I don't understand, like, what's the problem, you know?  

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